I never realized it until recently (or maybe I refused to believe it), but I have been dealing with depression most of my life. My mother also went through a major depression when she was right around my age. Hers affected her differently: she slept for months. My grandmother also went through some depression, so I’m told, though I’m willing to put money on it that it was induced by my philandering grandfather who decided to set up familial franchises throughout our city. So, I suppose that my battle with depression could be a hereditary thing, just like my ungodly risk for cancer, and that my girls also run the risk of inheriting this annoying mental illness.
Still, the old saying goes “if you’re ever going to see a rainbow, you have to stand a little rain.” The real question is whether or not you can hold out for the rainbow. For a long time, I wondered. I spent so much time wondering what the basis of my depression was and it took me a long time to realize that it changes over time. Eventually, the things that bothered me a few years ago would diminish in importance and new annoyances and worries would stand front and center in the fog that is my brain.
Recently my biggest hurdle has been my weight and its impact on every aspect of my life. I went a few months ago for a consultation for weight loss surgery and while I qualified on the physician’s part, my insurance decided I was a healthy fat kid and that I had to have one foot in the grave before they paid for it. The rejection sent me spiraling further into my depression. It wasn’t until I booked a vacation to a sandy destination (palm trees included) at the end of spring that I got motivated to do something about my weight.
One of my biggest crutches throughout my depression has been television. I am a world class couch potato. I can binge watch with the best of them and could talk about whatever series I’m watching for hours. Even though I’ve been working on getting the weight off (and succeeding!), I have also continued to make time for my favorite past time. However, now binge watching is different. I feel like less of a couch potato and more like someone who is just unwinding before bedtime because I’ve remained active all day.
My most recent endeavor in fictional visionary bliss is Showtime’s The Affair. If you have never seen this show, I can only describe it as sexy and suspenseful. I often feel like I should probably go to confession after watching it, but I’m not catholic. But after watching this show for a few weeks and thinking about the characters and their predicament, I had a stunning transformation in myself.
After wallowing in my depression for years, maybe three or four years, my sex drive has come back. Without giving you, my dear unsuspecting audience, more details than you really want, let’s just say that I have been in a “routine” with my husband. I was never really out for enjoyment for myself, at least not since we were first married, but instead focused only on his needs because my libido was nearly non-existent. But now, something has changed. Last week, I saw my husband walk through the door after work and something just clicked.
My marriage had fallen into a sexual dullness, at least on my part, and I think that if I felt it, I know he had to have felt it. Vulnerability had crept its way into our marriage and in all reality, the conditions were right for a lesser man to create his own Showtime series. But my husband is a one of a kind, and welcomed me, and my libido, back with open arms, balloons, and fireworks. Boy was there fireworks.
Was it the show? Did my watching a little soft core porn shake my inner core so much that my sex drive finally woke up? Or was it simpler than that? I have attributed a lot of it to Zumba, quite honestly. I have a ton of energy and between my diet and the exercise, I feel like I can move mountains. Perhaps it’s both. I don’t know. But whatever it is, it’s probably a good thing our baby producing days are over or we’d be adding to our brood which is already bursting at the seams.
I’d be interested in other’s opinions. Is it the show? Is it my new lifestyle? What are your thoughts?