There’s a movement going on that involves women reclaiming their freedom as if it were lost. This movement grips ahold of society like an angry fist and says “I demand to be my own person because I deserve it. I demand to be in charge of my own life.” But are we? Am I the last woman on the planet that feels like she needs to belong to someone? I have to be wanted, or I just lose all of my worth. My children need me, but this is different. I want my children. That’s the feeling I’m after.
My husband wants me, every minute of every day. He never stops wanting me. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to smile and get laugh lines, he wants me to turn gray with him. While this feeling is reciprocated, it is not enough. There are others we expect to want us throughout our lives. The one other person I knew for a fact wanted me is gone. The one I want to want me seems like he doesn’t give a shit on any given day.
There should be a spray people can buy that we can apply and it guards and protects us from all things that potentially make our minds race in an unsavory direction. Like sunblock, bug spray, or bear spray. I would have put some on today. I have had a wonderful day, the best day since I don’t even remember when. And one picture is all it took to send me slamming on the breaks and marinating in my own self-pity. Nothing hurts like rejection, even if—no, especially if—it’s inadvertent rejection. Inadvertent rejection makes a bigger statement than just “I don’t want you.” It says “not only do I not want you, I don’t even think about you. I don’t consider you; you are not a part of me.”
Rejection Block: RPF 9000, now in a silky, smooth spray; tropical scent.
I can only imagine that this is how all those kids in the system and foster families feel. To anyone acting as a foster parent, kudos to you for picking up one giant tab. I’m certain that all these kids ever wanted were parents who thought enough of them to give them the best possible life. And if you’re a shitty foster parent, just give the kids back because you’ll be found out one way or another eventually.
I was never a foster kid, but there have been a few times I’ve felt like an orphan. I was rejected from a family photo once. Today, a picture of a ring reminded me of the family that is truly important to him. I suppose it’s just my own fault for subjecting myself to this shit, but I have a hard time trying to let go of what might have been. Is it so bad that I just want a father? I guess I’ll just go watch an episode of Shameless. Somehow it makes me feel better about my life.